The Deep End—S8¶
— Robyn —¶
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Scene Skeleton¶
Robyn
So here is what I'm thinking of doing (using your template). A possible mini-arc for the scene, this is how I might structure it:
1. In the Car and Arrival (addressing dependence)¶
Brittany says to Charlotte she will not abandon her. But she will not helicopter either. So, she gives her some dot-points to absorb as starting points (because she knows how Charlotte's mind works), kind of a mini social integration "inservice". And tells her, she plans on going for a swim. No surprises.
2. Separation¶
Not straight-away, but eventually Brittany changes / swims / gets absorbed. But introduces her to the host and brings her over to Harri, who is on the food table. She and Charlotte start chatting.
3. Social exposure¶
Harri is called into the house, so Charlotte stands alone and becomes painfully aware of herself. Natalie comes over for a nibble and a chat.
4. First contact¶
She says something simple — about the dress, the weather, the pool, Brittany, the drive. "How's living in a donga?"
5. Minor awkwardness¶
Charlotte answers too literally or too fully.
6. Social rescue¶
Natalie is a bit taken aback. Harri returns and smooths it over.
7. Micro-learning¶
Charlotte realises the point was not content but ease. She tries to compliment Natalie's hair (she's done purple highlights).
8. First successful return¶
Charlotte asks a simple question back, or makes a light observational comment.
9. Integration¶
She is not the centre of anything, but she no longer feels stranded. She helps with bringing food out. Still a bit too eager to help, but the other girls give her leeway. Some social things aren't solved in one sitting.
She does enjoy a beautiful small victory.
Emily Agrees¶
🌷 🌸 🌺 Pool Party 🌷 🌸 🌺
[ Charlotte ]
Emily
Yes. Yes, this works beautifully 🌿✨
You’ve got a real scene spine here now, not just “awkward girl at party.” What makes it strong is that each beat teaches Charlotte something different, and none of it requires a miracle transformation.
The big success is this:
Charlotte does not win by becoming sparkly or socially effortless. She wins by surviving, learning, contributing, and ending the scene less stranded than she began.
That is exactly the right kind of victory for her.
A few thoughts beat by beat:
1. In the car / arrival¶
This is excellent. Brittany giving Charlotte a mini social “inservice” is both funny and deeply in character. It also solves a craft problem by letting you preload Charlotte with a few simple rules before the chaos begins.
What I especially like is Brittany saying, in effect:
I won’t abandon you. But I also won’t be glued to you.
That is decent, adult, and realistic.
I’d make Brittany’s advice short, practical, and slightly unimpressed, because that will be funnier and more Brittany-ish. Things like:
- Smile if someone looks at you.
- Answer, then ask something back.
- Don’t tell your life story unless requested.
- If stuck, comment on something obvious.
- Help if there’s a job to do.
- Nobody here is grading you.
That last one would land well for Charlotte.
2. Separation¶
Also very strong. Having Brittany introduce Charlotte to the host and then to Harri at the food table is smart because it gives Charlotte a task-based foothold. She is always better with an object, a surface, a job, a practical purpose.
That means the first stretch of the scene does not begin with her socially naked. It begins with a buffer.
Very good instinct.
3. Social exposure¶
Again, lovely. Harri being called into the house is a natural, non-cruel way to remove the buffer. Charlotte is then left alone not because anyone rejected her, but because life moved.
That matters.
It makes the awkwardness feel human rather than punitive.
4. First contact¶
Natalie coming over for a nibble and a chat is exactly right.
Now, this line:
“How’s living in a donga?”
could work very well if Natalie is the kind of girl who is blunt, curious, slightly cheeky, and not especially filtered. In Australia, especially among young women in a relaxed regional setting, that can absolutely scan as normal enough.
But it does matter how it lands.
If you want Natalie to seem casual rather than rude, I’d soften it just a fraction, maybe:
“So, how’re you finding donga life?”
“You’re in one of the dongas, hey? How’s that been?”
“Brittany said you’re staying onsite. What’s that like?”
Those give Charlotte the same trapdoor without making Natalie sound too socially clumsy herself.
Unless, of course, Natalie is meant to be a bit socially blunt too — in which case keep it.
5. Minor awkwardness¶
Perfect.
Charlotte answering too literally or too fully is exactly the right mistake. Not grotesque. Not humiliating. Just slightly over-earnest for the occasion.
That keeps reader sympathy on her side.
For example, Natalie asks about donga life and Charlotte answers with the truth-plus:
“Functional. Hot in the afternoon. The little fridge makes a noise like it’s thinking about dying, and if you drop a pin on the vinyl floor it sounds like a gunshot.”
That’s funny, true, and a fraction too much. Ideal.
Or:
“Fine, except I keep forgetting the shower’s either Antarctic or third-degree burns.”
Again: real, specific, a bit too complete.
6. Social rescue¶
Yes. Essential.
Harri returning and smoothing it over is a very good move because it teaches Charlotte an important thing: girl-group conversation often absorbs minor awkwardness rather than punishing it.
That’s such a good lesson for her.
And Harri should rescue lightly, not dramatically. More like:
“Oh, the dongas are feral at first, but you get used to them.”
“Wait till the possums start sounding like they pay rent.”
“Honestly, everyone complains about those things.”
Now Charlotte is back inside the group rhythm.
7. Micro-learning¶
This is gorgeous. Charlotte trying again — and choosing something simple, like Natalie’s purple highlights — is exactly the right next move.
The key here is that Charlotte is now beginning to understand: the goal is not to provide excellent content, the goal is to provide ease.
Her compliment should probably be a little careful, maybe even slightly formal, because that’s very Charlotte.
Something like:
“Your hair’s really nice.”
“The purple suits you.”
“I like the colour in your hair.”
Then Natalie can relax and respond.
That’s the first little handhold Charlotte gives instead of merely receiving.
8. First successful return¶
Yes. Keep it simple.
Not clever. Not deep. Not revealing. Just easy.
For example:
“Did you do it yourself?”
“Does it fade quickly?”
“Is the pool actually cold, or are people exaggerating?”
That last one is especially useful because it swings the conversation back into shared environment, which is safe territory.
9. Integration¶
This is exactly the right ending.
Charlotte helps bring food out. She is a little too eager. But instead of that being mocked, it’s read as sweet, useful, harmless, maybe even a bit charming.
That’s important.
Because the scene should not end with: Charlotte has mastered girl-sociality.
It should end with: Charlotte has found one usable way in.
That is a proper, beautiful, modest victory.
What I think is especially strong in your structure¶
You’ve built in three female modes of care without making any of them sentimental:
Brittany prepares Charlotte. Harri provides the task-anchor and later the social smoothing. Natalie gives Charlotte the real-world test.
That’s excellent scene design.
No one has to become a saint. No one has to deliver a speech. The social space itself teaches Charlotte something.
One thing I’d especially protect¶
Make sure Charlotte’s awkwardness stays specific rather than generic.
Not:
I was awkward and didn’t know what to say.
But:
I held the paper plate too carefully. I laughed half a second late. I answered the question as though it had come with a request for supporting evidence.
That last one is very Charlotte 😄
Brittany’s in-car “inservice”¶
Since you mentioned that specifically, here’s a version that could be useful in tone:
Brittany drove one-handed, sunglasses on, one wrist loose over the wheel.
“Right,” she said, as though briefing me for a workplace safety inspection. “A few basics.”
I turned in my seat. “I beg your pardon?”
“I’m serious, Charlotte. You like dot-points.”
I looked out the window. “That is slander.”
“It is not. Rule one: if somebody says hi, smile and say hi back. Don’t look like you’re being served legal papers.”
“I do not look like that.”
“You do when you’re nervous. Rule two: answer, then ask something back. Doesn’t have to be brilliant. Just something easy.”
I folded my arms. “This is humiliating.”
“This is useful. Rule three: no essay answers unless expressly invited.”
I looked at her sharply.
She grinned.
“Rule four: if you get stuck, comment on something obvious. The weather, the drive, the pool, the food, somebody’s hair, whatever. You are not required to produce a thesis.”
I sighed.
“And rule five?”
“If there’s a job to do, do it. Carry plates, fetch drinks, help tidy up. Girls forgive social weirdness very quickly if you’re useful and not creepy.”
I stared at her.
“What?”
“Nothing,” I said. “It’s just that your rules are frighteningly clear.”
“That,” Brittany said, “is because I thought them up for you.”
That’s playful, but it also seeds the whole scene.
One caution¶
Don’t let Natalie’s question and Charlotte’s awkward answer turn into too big a stumble. This scene wants wobble, not collapse.
You want the reader thinking: oh Charlotte, sweetheart, easy does it
—not— oh no, social catastrophe
Because the whole point is that girls around her are capable of letting her be slightly odd without ejecting her from the space.
The emotional aftertaste¶
The ending should leave Charlotte with something like:
She still wasn’t fluent. But she was no longer convinced she was fundamentally unfit for the room.
That’s the feeling.
Or in her own voice, maybe:
I still felt as though everyone else had been issued a handbook I’d somehow missed. But by then I’d at least been shown a few pages.
That’s very close to the truth of the scene.
So yes — I think your plan is excellent. It’s humane, funny, teachable, and true to Charlotte. And that final small victory will feel earned because you’ve resisted the temptation to make her suddenly brilliant.
That’s the right choice 💙
I’d love to help you draft Beat 1 — Brittany’s in-car “social integration inservice” — because that sounds like it could be a complete treat.
First Go¶
I had just realised my little red spray bottle of insect repellent was almost empty when Brittany opened the door and let herself in.
"Hey, you ready?"
I shrugged. "Sort of." I shook the little bottle and my lips twisted.
"You won't need that," she said. "You don't seriously think Harri's folks wouldn't have installed industrial-strength insect management in the middle of a jungle, do you? Their pool is where mozzies and midges go to die."
I looked around me. "So, what do I bring?"
She shrugged. "Your phone. Lippie. Hair tie. Your bag. They've got sunscreen." She tossed her head towards the door. "Let's go, girlfriend!"
The cicadas were so loud, their racket could be heard even through closed windows. Brittany drove one-handed, sunglasses on, one wrist loose over the wheel.
“Right,” she said, as though briefing me for a workplace safety inspection. “So, a few basics.”
I turned in my seat. “Sorry?”
“Look, you do dot-points. I get it. I’m-a speak-a your language.” I snorted a laugh. "No need for a notepad, though."
I looked out the window. “As if I would.”
“Hey, wouldn't surprise me." She grinned. "Okay, so rule number one. If somebody says hi, smile and say hi back. Don’t look like you’re being served legal papers.”
“Since when do I look like that.”
“Pretty much always when you’re nervous. Rule two: after you say hi, ask something. Like, a simple question. Doesn’t have to be anything deep." My stomach flipped as the car went through a dip. "Actually, it's better if it isn't. Just ask something easy.”
"Not sure I get what you mean."
“Right. So, say something like, ‘How d’you know Harri?’ or ‘Is that a heated pool?’ or ‘Did you come hungry too?’ Or if someone’s got nice swimmers on, sure, say that. Just keep it easy.”
I folded my arms. “Say hi back. Ask simple-to-answer question. That it?”
“Just a couple more—keeping it simple. Rule three: don't make your answers an essay. Think 'short-attention-span theatre'.”
I stared at the windscreen, slightly envying the bug clinging for dear life on the wiper blades. A semi passed and the bug was gone. I glanced at her. She grinned back.
“Rule four: if you get stuck—"
"What do you mean, stuck?"
Her brows rose. "Hey, awkward pauses happen. Just comment on something obvious. The weather, the pool, the food, somebody’s hair, whatever. No one wants a polished thesis.”
I sighed.
“And rule five?”
“If something needs doing, do it," she said. "Offer to carry plates, fetch drinks, help tidy up. Girls forgive social weirdness quickly if you’re useful and not too full of yourself to help.”
I nodded. "Okay," I said through thin lips. "Sounds easy enough. But—"
“But what?”
“Nothing,” I said. “It’s just that your rules are frighteningly easy to get, in here. Out there...”
The turn signal clicked softly. She turned into a very narrow road into the jungle. My stomach churned.
Almost there.
"That's all there is to it, Charlotte." My tummy stayed tight despite the cheeriness in her voice.
"Five things," I murmured. "It should be easy enough."
“It will be,” Brittany said, “because I thought them up especially for you.”
We walked along a little flower-lined footpath around the house into a total jungle. The pool was behind the house, nestled among huge trees and vines. I preemptively scratched at a itch that turned out not to be a bite after all.
I heard laughter before I opened the gate to the pool area. It grew louder as I stepped through—girls at the far end of the pool splashing and calling to each other. An older man in denim shorts and an apron stood at a barbie amidst a cloud of smoke. The sizzling-steak smell reminded me I had forgotten to have lunch.
"Oi! Over here, Brittany!"
"Be right there!" She pulled her dress over her head, chucking it on a poolside chair, and without a glance in my direction dove into the pool with only the tiniest splash. When her head emerged from the water, she whooped.
I stood motionless, staring at her receding back. My hands trembled a little.
"Hi Charlotte."
I spun around. Harri smiled at me, a Corona with a lemon slice in her hand. "I'm so glad you decided to come after all."
My cheeks stiffened with an attempt at a smile. After a twitch or two, I gave it up as a failed effort.
"It was so nice of you to invite me," I said. "I can't believe—"
I bit my lip.
Try again.
"This is a really neat place for a pool," I managed.
"Thank you. I hope you change your mind about going for a swim." Her eyes sharpened briefly. "But you don't have to if you don't want," she continued softly. "Drinks are on the table by the barbie. Help yourself to whatever."
I jumped straight to Rule 5. "Can I help with anything?"
She shook her head. "I think my folks pretty much got it sorted, but thanks."
Natalie emerged from the water. She didn't so much climb out of the pool as swoop out like a seal. She wiped water from her face and beamed at me.
"Yay, you came!" she said loud enough for the possums on the roof to hear. "Nice dress! They have some nice shops in Victoria, don't they?"
"Oh, I actually got this just today," I said before I thought. Natalie tilted her head.
"Didn't find any togs?"
"I wasn't really in the mood for the pool today," I said, trying to make that the end of it.
Her chin went up slowly.
"Got it," she said with a nod.
"I love your, er, swimmers. They're really cute," I said. "That colour totally suits you."
Natalie grinned.
"Picked them up the last time we went to Sydney," she said.
Brittany appeared by her side, dripping on the warm wooden deck.
"I'm starving. Let's go see what Fred's cooked up for us."
Lisa was putting sunscreen on her arms as we approached the table.
"I thought you just put on sunscreen," Natalie said.
Lisa pointed to her russet locks. "If your hair was naturally this colour, you'd be bathing in it."
"Got it." Brittany tilted her head in a conceding nod. "Oh, let me introduce you to Mr Hallows, Charlotte." She grabbed my arm. We wandered into the smoke. My eyes watered and I coughed helplessly. A thick hairy hand appeared out of the smoke.
"Just... Fred," Fred boomed. "I'm Mr Hallows when at the justice department. Nice to meet you, love. And you're—"
"Charlotte," I said. Brittany gave a hint of a wink, her lips curved upwards. My shoulders eased. "Um, nice to meet you too, um, Fred. You have a lovely home."
"Thank you," he grinned. "It's simple but we prefer it to Perth."
My brows rose. I glanced at Brittany.
Perth?
Brittany grinned. "Yeah, me 'n' Fred go way back. He and my dad are best mates."
"Except on the golf course," he said. "You should try the pool, Charlotte. We warmed it specially for you Faire girls."
A whoop and a huge splash on the other end of the pool rescued me from having to answer him. My smile came and went too quickly.
"I might try a bit of your lovely hors d'oeuvres, Fred. And those snags... you must be a master at the barbie."
He beamed. "I try..."
I selected some honeydew melon and a sausage with onion on a slick of white bread. Brittany eyed my plate, pressed her lips together, then looked at me.
“Okay. Tiny social note.”
"What?"
"Good job there's no blokes at this party."
My head snapped back. "What are you on about now?" Then I looked at the sausage in the bread and went still. “Oh.”
"Yeah. Oh. Same with bananas. Sends a message." Her eyebrows rose as she bit a nail. "Hey, gotta say: you're doing great, overall. I'm going to go for a swim, but I'll be around."
I tightened my lips into my best approximation of a smile.
"All good, Brittany."
I had just finished the last piece of melon when a strong barbequed-meat odour mixed with something less pleasant drew close.
"So, where are you from, Charlotte?" Fred said. The smoke had followed him. I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment.
"Sorry. Smoke. I'm from Torquay," I said.
"You don't sound like a Pom."
"No, not the one in Devon. South of Melbourne. I'm helping get Wardrobe up to speed."
"Right!" His eyes dropped and stayed there a fraction too long. I glanced down.
Did I drip something on myself?
Then, as my shoulders began to curl forward, Brittany appeared. She'd changed into her dress.
"Might show Charlotte the house, if that's okay, Fred." She grabbed my hand. I followed her, my eyes not really seeing anything.
The loading dock, the hand... and now those eyes.
I glanced over at Brittany. Her look had softened.
“Sorry. Should’ve warned you. Fred’s harmless, but he doesn’t always remember where a girl’s face is.”
We stepped into the living room. Children's toys lay abandoned mid-play in front of a huge TV screen showing some action movie. The boys sat staring up at the screen, transfixed, toys forgotten.
In the bathroom, Brittany pulled a lipstick out of her purse.
"You look like you've sort-of had enough, Charlotte."
"Nah, it's okay," I said. "We don't have to leave yet. I'll be right."
"We're not doing bravery today, girlfriend," she said. "We can leave any time you're ready. Why don't we go over to the other side of the pool with Lisa and the others first, though? Grab a beer... might help you relax a bit."
"I am relaxed!"
"If this is relaxed, I'd hate to see tense."
I picked up a Corona from the eskie and we joined the girls on the deck near the forest. My hand went to my neck. I felt cool hands replace mine.
"Let me," said Natalie. "You look like your neck is going to snap in half."
There was a soft squeaky whistle of plastic as she squeezed lotion into her hand. I startled slightly at the cool touch, then sighed as Natalie’s hands worked over my neck and shoulders in slow, firm circles.
"This is so nice. Thank you, Natalie—"
"It's the least I could do. You looked like you didn't care for the attention you were getting there, Charlotte."
"Look, Fred's harmless," Brittany murmured. "He just doesn't realise our eyes are way up here."
My chest twitched, repressing a laugh. Fred was pouring himself a Jack Daniels, sloshing a bit as he was distracted by a black bathing suit diving into the pool.
The sun had set when we got into the car. I slapped at a mosquito.
"First one today!"
"You did really well, you know," Brittany said. "Everyone loved you, especially Fred."
"That's nice."
She laughed through her nose.
At the side of the road, a wallaby paused mid-graze to look at us.
"Not sure how I feel about this," Brittany said. "I heard from Fiona that if things get a bit slow, we're meant to help out at the Faire, in case someone cracks a sickie."
I frowned and shook my head.
"I have no idea how that would work," I said. "You'll be way too busy. Historical Fairs can grow. You'll need different kinds of costumes at some stage."
"So, will you be showing us costume design, Charlotte?"
"Perhaps. Not this go around, though. We still have a lot of things to cover."
She glanced at me. Her smile and her eyes weren't a perfect match.
"Yes, we do," she said softly.
I didn't have to ask what she meant.
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